“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
“I shouldn’t feel this way.”
These are words that I hear so very often in the counseling office. They are riddled with guilt, shame, and confusion while the client is actively working out exactly what they’re feeling. While they sit in that sacred space of no judgment, giving themselves the time to work out what they’ve been carrying around, clients frequently begin to judge themselves for their feelings. They might look at their circumstances or their history and find that these things don’t easily explain what they’re currently experiencing inside, so the next logical step is to invalidate their feelings. To tell me and themselves that they shouldn’t feel this way because “it doesn’t make sense.” Not far behind this conclusion is a judgment on the client themselves. They will often begin to call themselves silly, irrational, dramatic, crazy.
This is common to the human experience as we strive to make the different parts of us fit together, to have continuity. When all the different elements don’t add up to what we’re currently feeling, how do we explain it?
As Taylor Swift famously said: “I’m the problem, it’s me.”
As commonplace as this line of thinking is - and even though it makes for a relatable pop song lyric - I try to quash it pretty quickly in counseling. There may well be distortions at work that we need to sift through and correct, but thinking of oneself as inherently flawed is not the answer. It breeds shame and self-doubt, and it’s frankly just untrue.
The antidote to this gridlock-producing thought is self-acceptance. Simply put, if your feelings don’t currently make sense, so what? They are the feelings you have right now, and trying to deny them or invalidate them leads you nowhere. Starting from a place of self-acceptance puts your feelings in their proper place. They are powerful signals, they can be teachers, and they are temporary. From acceptance and non-judgment, you can move to a place of curiosity. What could be making me feel this way? (side note: It’s okay if the answer is “I don’t know right now.”)
When you begin to see your feelings for what they really are - messengers, indicators - you can separate your identity from them and let them lead you on an exploration of your internal world. More often than not, underneath the “I shouldn’t feel this way,” there is some hurt or pain that is waiting to be addressed. Be patient with yourself as you make the necessary connections to invite healing.